The Last Note

My daughter turned 16 last week. It was an eventful week with preparations for her party underway, and on her birthday she was singing & playing piano in front of the entire high school. It was very exciting to be performing on her special day. I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

The day of her birthday arrived, and after a morning of presents & celebrations she was off to school.

It was then that my day began to unravel.

We had borrowed a set of disco lights from a friend for her party. We discovered that morning that the fuse (or something more sinister) had broken & my job was to find a replacement. Easier said then done. 'Needle in a haystack' is the phrase that comes to mind. When the vital fuse was finally discovered after trips to Dick Smiths, Tandy's & every inch of the yellow pages, it still didn't work.

So we hired another set of disco lights. Problem solved.

I had been writing her a poem over the last week...my attempt to sum up the last 16 years of her life, which then morphed into a 24 verse epic. This became unprintable as my computer was obviously illiterate!! Her birthday would be over that night & it was so important to me that she got her poem - on her birthday!

After many more attempts to print the poem, I then sent my husband the unsaved original copy by mistake, so the wrong version arrived on my doorstep later that morning. You'd think getting a poem printed would be easy! Long story short the final (correct) copy arrived in my hands at 10.30pm that night, and then into hers.

Could have been worse. Another potential disaster averted!

After cleaning the house that same morning, I had intended to do a 'party food, decorations, prizes & games' shop, order the birthday cake & arrive with time to spare at her school assembly. Fuse & poem problems aside, I still had time!

Then the phone rang.

My youngest son had a medical ailment that needed immediate attention (the sick bay nurse informed). I realised then that I had given myself no room to move, as now I needed to drop everything & find a doctor. We had a long weekend coming up, and my son needed antibiotics & fungal cream ASAP.

Obviously the rest of Brisbane needed fungal cream, as no doctors in Brisbane were free, except one that I avoided calling (until the last minute) for reasons I remembered a few hours later.

I arrived with my son to a full waiting room, an hour & ten minutes before my daughters performance. I had just enough time.

We waited, and waited and waited. I then realised that there was one doctor to see everyone in the waiting room, and there were more sick cases arriving by the minute!! My frustration was shared by another woman who had enough when the doctor bypassed her for the second time. She was next in line, but he popped his head out & randomly chose a lady sitting closest to his door. As I watched the confrontation between her & the receptionist, who confirmed she had been the next patient, I realised that my chances of getting there were going to be very slim.

After an hour, we were the next in line! I still had 10 minutes before the assembly. It was then that the doctor took a toilet break. This lasted another 5 minutes. I wanted to run out but there was no room for the rest of the day, and my son's health had to come first.

When he finally came back, we were called in & I experienced the fastest doctor's visit of my 17 years of mothering. One minute & we were out the door, prescriptions in hand.

There are no words that describe the frustration of really bad timing on the roads. I didn't speed, but I did get every red light back to the school.

We finally got there, and I bolted through the doors, son in hand. My daughter was on stage playing the piano, and I arrived just in time.... to hear her last note.

It was a beautiful long note, one that I will always treasure, as that will be my only memory of her performance.

I was in the auditorium for no more than two seconds, when her song ended & everyone clapped & cheered. My husband raced over & tried to make me feel better.

"It was amazing!" "You would have loved it!!" Yep that helped.

I fought back the tears & tried to find something positive. I could have missed the last note. That is true.

Rach found me & was lovely as ever. She saw me come in right at the end. And she understood I tried my best to make it.

The rest of the afternoon I thought about the emotions I felt missing most of her song. I took my son back to the surgery for further attention, & realised that I had to choose between two of my children - my son who was sick or my daughter on her special day. Obviously my son's health was a priority.

As stressed as I was, I still saw the God moment in the whole frustrating episode.

The last note - so beautiful & worth everything just to hear it.

But I would have much preferred to hear the whole song.

How much of our lives does God hear? Is He hearing our song or just a few notes.

I often wonder if I frustrate God. The many times I go around in circles, trying to live my life properly - but not including Him in my plans. How many times do my plans not turn out the way I expected.

Is my life the song that God was waiting for??

I can almost see Him leaning in - listening for the notes, the beats & the beauty of the song He created me to sing. If not for anybody else to hear - but for Him.

You see - I missed my daughters performance - but He heard every note.

Each of us have a symphony to play for the One who hears. I don't have to be everywhere. I shouldn't put that expectation on myself. The world will still keep turning even if I don't show up once in a while.

My daughter sung her heart out, and I know it pleased God, as well as everyone who were blessed enough to hear.

And that one lovely note was a gift that I am so thankful to have heard. A little treasure to hold on to - also a reminder that the song I am singing every day - my life song - is for Him.

And the song you are singing - every kind word, every act of obedience, the small things as well as the big that happen every day - it's all for Him.

He hears it all.

Salt air

I don't know about you, but there have been quite a number of moments during the rollercoaster ride of my life where I have realised (way too late) that a breather; a basic retreat; a chance to 'stop & smell the roses' is a necessity - not a luxury.

That happened to me recently. I realised that if I didn't make some plans I would grind to a screeching halt and stop functioning anyway. I would be no use to myself or the world around me. Nothing had changed to tip me 'almost' over the edge, but I was fighting to get basic errands done. I was fighting to keep my joy.

Walking the dog seemed like a triathalon I couldn't face.

Reading my Bible was an uphill battle as the words tried to swim away.... so much for my speed reading course in Grade 12!

Apathy was creeping into my soul and I didn't know why. It just was.

I also realised that I missed my children.

Between work, school, sports, chores & life's responsibilities I felt I was missing the moments - long uninterrupted moments with my favourite people. I was sure they were growing an inch a week (which would explain the growing food consumption in our home) and the foreboding reality that they will one day leave the nest rang truer with my 18 year old son driving to work every day...

Change doesn't happen until you do something. I just had to open my diary, find a space, and make it happen. So I cancelled a few appointments, made plans to get away & reboot, and then got on with getting through my days.

As my 'getaway' date finally arrived, it turned out I had made a wonderful choice.

I moved to a little granny flat right by the sea, & finally stopped.

Each morning my three boys & I walked the winding path that led to the beach. As soon as the water was in view they sprinted away & left me to my mountain of thoughts.

I walked slowly along the waters edge and breathed the salt air deep into my lungs. It felt good.

I sat down and stared at the water lapping the sand - back and forward, back and forward - a rhythmic beat of the sea set in place since the world began - erasing footprints of the past; cleansing debris, seaweed, froth & bubble; healing...

I thought about how much I try to slow down, and how often I fail.

If there were two things I wanted to learn it was this: 1) the art of stopping 2) The art of hearing.

You can't hear if you don't stop.

Listening is a wonderful character attribute which I feared I was losing.

I watched my boys shrieking in the water & having sand fights, running like boys should, free & wild.

There were no time limits. I stayed as long as I wanted to & took in the blues of the sea & peacefulness of the rippling sand, laced with the most perfect groups of sand balls circling little holes. Home for little white crabs.

Days passed quietly. We read books. We played games and painted on canvases. I made dinner slowly, & ate slowly - enjoying every mouthful.

Deep in my soul I was beginning to listen and contemplate what I had.

Small is big, when you think about it. Small things are important.

The ability to see; to breathe; to stop. The kisses on a child's cheek. Smiles of encouragement. The prayers of a mother. The memories of a special day. The dreams of tomorrow.

It is so easy to get so caught up in the day to day 'doings' that we forget how lavishly blessed and wonderfully loved we really are....

The salt air was doing me good, as I realised on the sixth day. My heart was beginning to sing.

Every colour of dusk was intrinsically wonderful to me. The burnt orange of the sunset. The deep grey of the clouds. I stood with the sand squidging between my toes and took in as much as I could, because tomorrow I was going home.

I wanted to breathe in the memory of this moment and keep it forever.

As I lay on the sand and took a photo of the clouds, a thought popped into my head that this cloud formation would never look like this again. I was more than likely the only person in the world to take it in, and appreciate its wonder.

So I lay and took it in, until another thought joined my first one.

I realised that I can go home and have this too. I can walk outside and see the colours of dusk. I can look up and see glimpses of heaven. My seaside retreat reminded me that I have what I need at home.

I have the sustainer of life within me. He is everywhere - not just at the sea.

So with that simple revelation dancing in my heart, I soon packed up, and a very relaxed, sunkissed me once again decided to make the most of the moments. I won't just live from one break to the next.

I will cherish today today and think about tomorrow...tomorrow.

I will breathe in the air and thank God that I can breathe it in, whatever its fragrance.

I will stop (wherever I am) more and I will listen (wherever I am) more.

And I will get on with living.

PS Although (I just have to say) my week by the sea to 'stop and smell the salt air' was very good. As good as medicine for the soul!

staying on track

Last Friday I surprised my eight year old son and gave him the day off school. An excursion with Mum! It turned out to be an unexpectedly long excursion with a few extra twists and turns.

Jayden had been asking to go on a train on and off for ages, and over the Christmas holidays I had promised to take him on one. It didn't happen and school began with an unfulfilled promise. I made a note to take him on a train (before next Christmas!) and last week found myself with a spare day.

I packed an extra set of clothes and loved watching his face light up as we drove past the school and on to Grandma's place! We parked the car and then set off on our walk to the train (with a bag of goodies & kisses from Grandma).

I showed him the exact route I had taken to high school for five years. Ten minutes to the train station, then a half hour train trip into Southbank.

So much had changed at every turn. The train station had been completely renovated (you would expect this after twenty years!) but a lot of the scenery was the same as I remembered.

Jayden was thrilled going through the tunnels and I loved his wide eyed wonder as he pointed out different landmarks that caught his attention.

We passed Southbank onto Central Station, hopped off & hurried through the crowds to Post Office Square. The buskers were still busking in their same places, and gave Jayden a wave as he threw them his change. What a difference music makes to an old walkway.

We wandered slowly through the mall and through to a games arcade, then ate lunch while watching men and women on a stage getting their head shaved (and sprayed pink) for Leukemia.

After crossing the bridge bank to Southbank and enjoying the best New Zealand ice cream (spearmint!) we started to run for the train station. It was pouring!

"It's all worked out perfectly!" I assured Jayden as we boarded the train that arrived at the exact time as we did. How convenient!! I didn't even think about checking the FRONT of the train - something I should have known to do after five years of catching the train!

About 10 minutes passed as we zoomed through tunnels and over bridges. I was lost in thought thinking about my growing TO DO list to plow through when I got home, and Jayden had his eyes fixed on the world outside.

It wasn't until I heard "Murarrie, Murarrie Station" that my senses started to tingle. "Why are we in Murarrie?" I thought to myself. How odd! Then it dawned on me that I hadn't actually recognised ANY of the stations (or scenery) we had passed for a number of stations. I had literally 'zoned out' since we left Southbank. REALLY bad timing!

Jayden was oblivious to my quickening sense of dread as the reality of my mistake began to sink in. It was obvious we were NOT on the Beenleigh train, but on our way to Cleveland!!! We were SO far away from our station it wasn't funny AND I had just discovered that my mobile phone was flat.

Some excursion.

We got off at Hemmant and stood for a while in the middle of nowhere. It was about 2pm (as far as I could tell from the sun) and there was only one other person on the station.

Jayden thought the whole situation was very funny. "It's all worked out perfectly" he said in a high pitched voice trying to mimick me. After that all he cared about was the likelihood of a toilet. There was none at this station.

All I cared about was a train in the opposite direction!

I felt so silly taking my son on such a wild goose chase. After so many years getting it right how could I have stuffed up so badly???

I think I just got complacent. I was so sure of myself, and then when I was on the wrong track I didn't even realise. The scenery had changed dramatically and I couldn't even tell.

It makes you think about life, and where we are headed. You can be going in the wrong direction - changing direction slowly - and not even know it.

Until you're a long way away.

Then you end up stuck in a place you have never been before, with a sudden sense of urgency that all you want to be is home, back on track and travelling in the RIGHT direction!

We finally got a train back to Park Road. Then we had to wait while three trains passed by.

People got on. People got off. Jayden spun around. He played with a piece of metal he found on the ground. And some stones.

I asked a number of people the time, and triple checked the front of each train that passed us by. I wasn't going to get it wrong again!

Then we sat and talked, and just enjoyed being together.

We were in the middle of nowhere, with a train to catch (hopefully!) and time seemed to stand still for a while.

By the time we got home, we both thought the whole 'train mix up disaster' was actually very funny - and I realised that it had all been an adventure for Jayden.

I'm pretty sure we will always remember the day we went to the city, played arcade games, ran in the rain, and caught four trains!!!

Treasure in the dirt patch

I have a small patch of dirt in my backyard which I am planning to one day transform into a secret haven - a little patch of garden heaven - well that's the plan!

Right now you would probably not see past the thick mass of weeds, rocks and broken toys that have multiplied before my eyes - especially after the recent torrents of rain.

Yesterday I ventured out just before dinner and surveyed the menacing weeds which I am sure were not ten foot yesterday. It was really ugly, and looked impenetrable.

So while deep in thought about my dilemma of how to rid my garden of alien intruders, I automatically started pulling just a few small weeds, and after a few minutes of this found it was almost impossible to stop.

It was therapautic.

Finally I was getting my hands back in the dirt (and rocks) and seeing some changes in my garden.

I pulled and heaved and ripped and threw.

Ripping those massive weeds (small trees?) out wasn't as difficult as I thought because the root systems were so completely drenched. The satisfaction of destroying what had been subconsiously annoying me for weeks was worth the muscle straining, broken nails and mud splattered clothes.

I felt like I was becoming one with nature, ridding the world of one less ugly stem and making way hopefully for something beautiful.

About 10 minutes later, I really was on a roll pulling out gazillions of annoying weeds that had threatened to overtake the entire back yard. The kids were getting hungry, and the dog was watching me from a distance (thankfully the mud & flying weeds were keeping them all at bay) but I just couldn't stop.

Dinner and the masses would have to wait.

It wasn't until I had finally cleared the ground that I noticed one out of place 'non-weed'.

A beautiful long stem with a long yellow bud that was completely straight and facing heavenward.

A treasure in the muck and mud of my weed sodden patch of dirt.

A seed must have blown into my 'non-garden' and made it's home next to my ugly weed patch, to then grow it's precious shoot that may never have been seen by man if I hadn't impulsively, accidentally decided to de-weed!

A small blessing that literally bought the verse I read today back down to earth..

"For as surely as the earth brings forth its shoots, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring forth, so surely the Lord God will cause rightness and justice and praise to spring forth before all the nations through the self-fulfilling power of His Word." Is 61:11

The Message version inspires me to fill my secret garden with flowers & blooms...

"For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,
and as a garden cascades with blossoms,
So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom
and puts praise on display before the nations."

The earth in my back yard bought forth its shoot all by itself. It's what the earth does. I love that! My garden guarantees to spring forth what is sown (when it's owner actually sows it!!!)

So God will bring forth what is right and just before men - before the nations - through the power of His Word.

It's what He does.

He will bring it before men through the promises that lie dormant like seeds waiting to be activated. They are treasures more beautiful than the wildflowers and blossoms that we see in our natural eye - reminders of what we have that is unseen.

Rightness, justice and praise - beautiful shoots springing out of the ground that may be surrounded by threatening weeds and rocks, but they will grow taller and stronger. And the weeds (of darkness, of pain, of evil) will be ripped out one by one.

And then their life giving beauty and glory which was hidden from man will be seen - and His word will be fulfilled.

So today the weeds are all gone, and my lone flower is standing tall and has literally burst open to display its wonder to the inhabitants of my backyard (me and the dog!!).

A very small but significant reminder to me of His promises, and His goodness.

Neverending

"How much do you love mummy?" I asked my youngest son while tucking him to bed last night.
"Neverending." he replied with a grin.

I knew that would be his answer.

It started a month ago when I asked him the same question. He thought for a moment and then whispered into my ear as earnestly as he could..."Neverending". It caught me by surprise because I was expecting him to say, "A million bottles of milk" or something more predictable. But 'neverending' caught me off guard.

I recently looked up its meaning, the first, most obvious was 'having no end' - the second was more thought provoking : "uninterrupted in time and indefinitely long continuing"

From my six year old's sweet little mind he chose this word to express his love for me. For my mothers heart it was 'a very special moment'.

The next night while saying prayers I whispered, "Do you know how much Mummy loves you?"
"How much?" he asked.
"Neverending."

From then on it has been our little goodnight routine. When he's upset I use it to remind him how loved he is, and it guarantees a smile on his tear stained face. And when I ask him 'how much do I love you' he always knows the answer.

It's our word.

Last week before school we had a special little moment when I asked him if he knew how much God loved him.
He thought for a second or two, and then answered with certainty, "Neverending."

Dan is growing up knowing he is loved, that's for sure!

Heaven's real love is like that - powerful, endless, eternal, 'indefinite'...

Neverending.

Like the ring that has no end.

It doesn't matter what we say, do, think or speak - we are loved by our Creator... because we are the created! Just like I love Dan because he is my son and I am the Mum.

His love is unconditional, intentional, indescribable.

It's the same love that propelled Jesus to heal the sick, broken hearted and unloved, to bring life to death, to die for humanity....

It's the same love that counts all the hairs on my head and had thoughts of you and me before we were born.

"My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret...your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape..." Psalm139

Now if that's not neverending love, what is?

"Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)" 1Cor 13

I LOVE that this amazing, priceless gift that was in the beginning and through to eternity is also my very own treasure to keep. I am guaranteed a wellspring of love to sustain me through my pilgrimage of life - through the lowest of valleys to the most beautiful of mountains (Lord of the Rings type mountains!)

Dan is sleeping peacefully now, completely unaware that I have been writing about our special word, but I am praying that in the years to come he will have a revelation of God's all consuming, amazing love for him - and with that knowledge there will be no stopping him as he runs his race through to the finish line.

His future is still ahead of him.

Filled with hope. Neverending.

The 'most' secret place

“For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of the soul & spirit, of both joints & marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart” Hebrews 4:12

The Word of God – our best ever instruction manual!

You just can’t read it like another book. It is “living and active”.

Alive.

Sometimes the only way to activate its power is to allow His life giving word access to your secret places - your soul and your spirit - the place which is sometimes the hardest to visit.

Funny how we will travel to the other side of the world to visit the remotest village or English secret garden, but the journey to the hidden places of our soul can be the most difficult (yet most extraordinary and worthwhile) traverse.

This place is where the questions of eternity are examined. They are where our actions, our words and our thoughts are determined.

It can be a prison or a haven, surrounded by walls of fear or words of life.

Our inner vows live here, as do our secrets. Our deepest dreams are grown here too, waiting for the pruning, shaping and healing of His truths and reality to transform our heart and set us upon our high places.

This scripture is one of those that truly pierces my heart with its unwavering truth. Each word from the Bible has the ability to penetrate our walls & pretences as we attempt to protect our vulnerabilities and keep an amount of control in our lives. (so loving definition of 'pierce' : to cut or make a way through; move or affect a person's emotions or bodily feelings deeply or sharply)

This verse speaks truth and authenticity to me. It highlights the power of the Spirit of God to bring life and sustenance to our soul.

The ability to finally see our true selves.

Usually it is during the stormiest, loneliest seasons of our lives that the Word of God has even more ability to penetrate our souls & spirits. God will give us one verse, one word, one truth that is so amazingly just for us.

Have you experienced that before? You have been praying for breakthrough, for ‘a word from God’, for direction... and when you least expect it someone in your world gives you a verse which hits your heart.

You hold onto it as a lifeline. You write it in your journal. Post in on the fridge or the toilet door. Hide it in the secret place in your heart.

It's so true that one word from God is more precious than one thousand from man.

I was recently speaking to a new friend. She has been experiencing years of pain and had been seeking God for a word. She was sitting in church last week next to a beautiful old lady and they started a conversation. Within minutes this dear woman gave my friend a verse to encourage her which was the exact same verse someone else had given her.

Now she is researching this verse and pulling it apart to seek the truth that God is obviously wanting to reveal to her. It is her word from heaven for this season in her life. Her journey of pain is also a journey of growth in the spiritual realm.

This verse has become a treasure which now resides in her secret place.

I love the analogy of the two edged sword. How amazing that God’s beautiful word is sharper than the sharpest of swords (which are sharp on each side of the point) which can pierce between our soul and our spirit.

Don Piper explains it well in his book “Pierced by the Word”;

“Soul and spirit are like bone joint and bone marrow. “Soul” is that invisible dimension of our life that we are by nature. “Spirit” is what we are by supernatural rebirth……without the awakening, creative, regenerating work of the Spirit of God in us we are merely natural rather than spiritual.”

When we regularly read the Word of God, either through regular devotions or a bible reading plan, we are feeding our spirit and bringing a greater arena of discernment and truth into our lives. Our spirit will be quickened to areas that need to be addressed. The Word of God will pierce through the confusion and bring light to our thoughts.

The daily choices, motives and intents of our heart are more likely to be aligned with heaven as we stay connected to the pure word of God, and immerse our spirit with His words of life.

It’s been a while since I have visited my secret place, but I am looking forward to the changes in my life when I have allowed the “sharper than any two edged sword” Word to visit there first.

I am looking forward to the journey.

The uncompromisingly righteous

I was reading through Proverbs 10 recently, and thanks to my trusted Amplified could not get past the 'righteous' theme in this chapter. This is not the only chapter in the Bible that focuses on being righteous, wise, holy & just, but it most certainly deserves its own blog!

This has been a crazy week to say the least. I have subconsciously been ignoring my Bible & have been treading water just getting through a week of daily events & life in a house of eight, so it was very timely to get a revelation from God (even if it was the 'slap in the face' kind...Ouch!!)

Right now there is beautiful quiet in my home (except for when the dog barks incessently at any movement of any neighbour, neighbours dog or bee!) and my laptop, bible and myself are all together at the same time! Wonderful!

Which brings me to my soul searching revelations on being righteous.. (uncompromisingly!)

The first verse I read was in verse 3:

"the Lord will not allow the uncompromisingly righteous to famish"

What a promise!! So... if I stay righteous (in right standing with God) and don't compromise (go against my core beliefs) then I won't famish (die of thirst and hunger). I am also guessing that I won't famish spiritually. Sounds like a good deal.

Another thought came to mind that if it wasn't for the cross, and the amazing sacrifice that Jesus made for humanity (for you & me) then it would be very difficult to stay "uncompromisingly righteous" in His eyes.

I would have to sacrifice one heck of a lot of rams & lambs for all my sins & unholiness.

The next lot of verses were so compatible with verse 3 that I thought I would list them so you can see what a great decision it is to stay on the "good paths that lead to life"...and not the bad ones!

"Blessings are upon the head of the uncompromisingly righteous.."

"The memory of the uncompromisingly righteous is a blessing.."

"The mouth of the uncompromisingly righteous man (& woman!) is a well of life.."

"The earnings of the righteous lead to life.."

"The tongues of the upright and in right standing with God are as choice silver.."

"The lips of the uncompromisingly righteous feed & guide many.."

"..the desire of the uncompromisingly righteous shall be granted."

"..the uncompromisingly righteous have an everlasting foundation"

"The hope of the uncompromisingly righteous is gladness.."

"The consistently righteous shall never be removed.."

"The mouths of the righteous (those harmonious with God) bring forth skilful & Godly wisdom.."

"The lips of the uncompromisingly righteous know & therefore utter what is acceptable.."

And that is only Chapter 10!!!

I love love love these promises. I love knowing that if I position myself in His will - in a place where I am seeking Him first and seeking His kingdom (not my own), then these things will be added to me. I will never be removed, I will say what is acceptable and my deep desires will be granted (he knows them better than I do anyway!)

Think about not compromising on the small day to day things in life, and what a challenge that is - I know these are the areas that challenge me the most.

My thoughts, my words, my actions, my inactions... all of them come under the 'compromise' or 'non compromise' banner!! I hope that more of them move to the latter as I purpose in my heart to live out this chapter (as best as I can)

This is by far my biggest challenge of the week (month? year?) - to aim to please God, not people, and to live an 'uncompromisingly righteous' life.

Not an easy concept...impossible is the word I'm searching for..(this is me here!)

So the many times when I become inconsistant, forgetful, neglectful & completely ignorant of this giant revelation (how could I???), I pray I will default back to His word, and back to His principles of wisdom.

The plan is to keep them as close as I can to my heart so I don't forget, and when I am tempted to compromise I will remember Chapter 10 in Proverbs.

It's a good plan.